God Arrested Allegedly Masturbating Outside of All Boys School

Renowned anti homosexual campaigner God (aka Jehovah, Yahweh, YWHY, Elohim and Adonai – age indeterminate) was arrested Sunday with His penis in hand and allegedly masturbating in mysterious ways.

The alleged crime took place outside the Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception all boys school while the children were playing during lunchtime recess.

One of the children noticed a suspicious character described as “in his own image” with his face pressed to the bars of the school fencing.  A protuberance, later identified as God’s penis, was also observed poking through the fencing.

God has been required to sign the Sex Offenders register.  He had previous accusations of non-consensual sex, mass genocide and violent outbursts resulting in death or harm.  All of which were dropped due to insufficient evidence of God’s actual existence.

“If you can’t prove I exist” said God through a spokespastor, “then you certainly cannot prove that I was the perpetrator of these crimes”.

He has thrice denied all charges.

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My Prayers Have Been Answered...

"Dear Lord
I know that we don't exactly see eye-to-eye,
Given that I don't believe that you exist and all that,
But I would like to ask you for something if i may?
It's something that's been irking me for some while now
Although I guess that you already know that
You being all-knowing and stuff
So I'm not really sure why I am asking you this
Because you already know what I want from you
Or do you?
Are you just pretending to be an all-knowing god?
Because if you did already know, then praying to you would be a waste of time
Wouldn't it?
Anyway, just in case you don't know I'm going to ask you anyhow
Actually that brings me to another point.
I was under the impression that you had a big plan
If I am asking you for something that is not in your plan then what happens?
Will you change your plan to suit me?
Or will you just continue with your plan?
If the latter, then what is the point of me praying to you?
If the former, then thanks a lot, but what if someone else prays for your plan to stay the same?
Who wins then?
I think you can see that I am confused about this prayer thing, so any help you can give me to understand better would be appreciated.
But I digress dear Lord.
What I would like is for you to make it that the National Day of Prayer is ruled unconstitutional.
If you could to that for me (even if it's not in your plan) I would be very grateful.
I know your Christian followers will be mightily pissed, but come on, separation of church and state and all that.
Unless you don't think that's correct and that government should follow your Word
In which case I'm fucked then.
But please, if you could see your way to granting my prayer I'll owe you a pint when I get to heaven.
I am going to heaven am I not?
If you could let me know about that in advance I can make sure that I enjoy it down here while I have the chance.
Well that's about it from me, talking to myself like this feels quite weird
But cheers for listening mate
Er, I think I'm supposed to sign off with some kind of ritual phrase like "I pray in Jesus' name" or something like that
I hope I got that right
If I got it wrong, will it invalidate my prayer?
Oh, and if you are Allah, not the one I think I'm praying to, can you just grant my prayer request anyway?
It was an honest mistake
I mean, it's not as if there is any evidence for any of you anyway
Cheers dude"

I must have been praying to the correct god, because he answered my prayers.  Yay the lord.

Catholic Church Must Do Penance Says Man In Big Hat

A man in a very big hat has said that Catholics should do penance for their unspecified sins.  He said Catholics were;

"under attack from the world which talks to us of our sins" and should see the necessity "to recognise what is wrong in our lives".

Despite it being quite tricky to think of any specific sins committed by Catholics a special "Come up with some Sins Committee" has so far agreed on the following tentative list of "sins"

• Not loving god quite enough;
• Hats not quite big enough to reach heaven;
• Not having enough gold with which to praise god;
• A Catholic might have been quite rude to his/her mother one time;
• Once stole a cookie from a jar when no one was looking;

The Sin Committee has acknowledged that this might not be a comprehensive list and that if anyone can "think of any other sins" then they are free to make suggestions.  I'm going to have a good long think about this and see if I can come up with anything that the Catholic church has done wrong.

 <<< A man in a big hat earlier today.

Follow Your Biblical Laws

Pat Roberston et al would be in full agreement with this methinks:

I Finished 2nd In a Race - Jesus Must Hate Me...

The guy who won was busy thanking Jesus for his victory while all I could do was wallow in my own self pity at my loss.  Jesus must really love that guy to help him to win, and I lost, so Jesus must not like me very much.

Which brings me to my main point.  I demand a re-run of the race, but this time my opponent is not allowed the assistance of a divine supernatural omnipotent being.  I mean, what chance have I got against that?  None!!!  And that's cheating in my book, and my book is not the Bible.  I ran the race fair and square without asking for assistance from an invisible hand.

I've changed my mind, I don't want a re-run.  My victorious opponent must be disqualified as he clearly had help.  I would like to propose to all sports regulators that anyone admitting help from God or Jesus with their victory immediately be disqualified for cheating.

They would be disqualified for using performance enhancing drugs after all wouldn't they?  And if a divine omniscient being with a big beard is not performance enhancing, then I just don't know what is!