Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! --George Carlin
Renowned anti homosexual campaigner God (aka Jehovah, Yahweh, YWHY, Elohim and Adonai – age indeterminate) was arrested Sunday with His penis in hand and allegedly masturbating in mysterious ways.
The alleged crime took place outside the Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception all boys school while the children were playing during lunchtime recess.
One of the children noticed a suspicious character described as “in his own image” with his face pressed to the bars of the school fencing.A protuberance, later identified as God’s penis, was also observed poking through the fencing.
God has been required to sign the Sex Offenders register.He had previous accusations of non-consensual sex, mass genocide and violent outbursts resulting in death or harm.All of which were dropped due to insufficient evidence of God’s actual existence.
“If you can’t prove I exist” said God through a spokespastor, “then you certainly cannot prove that I was the perpetrator of these crimes”.
If dealing with religious screwballs hasn’t fully deflated your expectations of mankind, I have the perfect final crushing blow for any optimism you may have retained hiding in the recesses of your mind. It is simple and elegant: hold a yard sale. Nothing is guaranteed to wipe from your heart any final hopeful residue for this species of ours. No, by lunchtime you will be driven half mad with the shuffling parade of people who thought it perfectly appropriate to show their faces to the world wearing flip-flops, ill-fitting track pants, and stained t-shirts bought at a previous yard sale, or too-tight acid-wash jeans with a polka-dot tube top, with scarecrow hair and even scarier, crowier faces: pinched, vulture-eyed, pursed-lipped; pawing, rooting for truffles, hands clutching greasy crumpled wads of cash, scattering your organization and engaging you in rambling batty conversation, mumbling stories about some guy they knew back in 1976 who had a hat just like that, and their mother in the nursing home whose silver pattern was the exact same, and how they used to see Louis Prima play in Vegas, and oh, what was the name of that other guy…. Zzzzz….
And always, always the haggling, even over things priced very well. Someone approached the table of my grandma’s tackiest costume jewelry that no one in the family had wanted after she died, asking, “Don’t you have any real gold jewelry for like, 50 cents?” A tumbleweed then blew down the street and the crickets broke into chorus. No, I said, fingering the tin brooch of a frizzy-headed cartoony woman bearing the legend, “BAD HAIR DAY,” I was afraid we didn’t.
Woman: How much is this vacuum?
Me: $10.
Woman: Would you take $5?
Me: No
Woman: $5?
Me: NO. Ten bucks is fair.
Woman: $5?
Me: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to kill you with it AND charge you $10, you silly bitch.
OK, that last bit may have been in my head…
The histrionic unshaven man who argued as if presenting a court case over a difference of two dollars for my microwave; the stylish coiffed mavens who adored my vintage tablecloths but wouldn’t buy because they were too miserly; the bastard who bought my old SLR camera and when my back was turned pocketed a separate lens for it that he hadn’t paid for; the clean-cut man who looked sober as a judge while scooping up all of my books on paganism and witchcraft and scurried away almost salaciously with his quarry…we are all equals at a yard sale; the varying strata of society all commingle, wresting plates from one another to check the mark on the bottom, strewing your clothing about like a mid-tizzy Joan Crawford, poking through the old VHS tapes and CDs with disdain or perplexity at your taste, while you try with desperation and inexperience to be a hard-bargaining salesman offering up the detritus of your life, as if it is precious treasure, for a hard-won and always humiliatingly negotiated pittance.
Still, worth every moment for that $128 in ones and dimes. Especially when I came home from the neighboring sales with all kinds of bargains!
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In a surprising turn of events, a piece of toast has been found revealing an image of the Prophet Mohammad (pictured left).
Aamirah Hamad could not believe his own eyes when his freshly toasted bread slice popped out of his infidel western toaster.
"Almighty Allah has blessed this house with a miracle" he proclaimed before falling prostrate in the dirt and facing eastwards.
The Big E contacted imaginary Imam Arachnid Kazzam for comment."Almighty Allah has got some explaining to do about this" said Kazzam.
"Allah knows full well that images of the Prophet, peace be upon Him, are strictly forbidden in Islam." Kazzam announced "Death be upon whoever draws an image of the Prophet, peace be upon him, and Almighty Allah Himself cannot expect to have special dispensations."
The Big E attempted to contact Allah for comment, but concluded that he must already be in hiding as he was nowhere to be found.
LONDON (The Big E). Taking a lesson from the pope's recent visit to Malta and the scandal about a phallic sculpture the Vicar of Christ might have seen, the British government has taken a bold step to avoid further controversy.
The pope is due to visit the UK in September, already under difficult circumstances as he is the head of an organized pedophilia crime ring.
This minor controversy pales into insignificance in the face of such obvious phallic monstrosities that are common in Britain, and which might possibly offend the pope's sensibilities.
The British government has ordered the temporary removal of all penis-shaped monuments, towers, chimneys and in fact anything that might be mistaken for an erect cock by a pope type figure.
If he had been interviewed by The Big E, we think that Foreign Secretary David Miliband might have responded, "He (the pope) is an important dignitary and a visiting head of some kind of state-like thing. We would hate for him to suffer any embarrassment while he comes over here to fiddle with our kids."
Miliband might have gone on to say something like, "We will be taking down Big Ben, Nelson's Column and Cleopatra's Needle for the duration of the pope's visit. Once he's buggered off home we will re-erect them restoring them to their former pride."
This radical approach has its critics who have not been slow to point out the huge cost to British tax payers.
An alternative approach has been suggested to crowd the "offending" objects with thousand's of choir boys, thus hopefully distracting the pope's attention from the cock-shaped obelisks while he gazes lustfully on the beauty of small children.
We imagine Miliband to also have said, "We are encouraging factory owners with big smoke-stack chimneys to have these removed during the pope's tour of our proud country."
Additional reporting from Paul, our Foreign Penis Shaped Things Correspondent
CHURCH CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) -- Rain and overcast skies prevented Jesus Christ from returning to Earth on Monday, and God's Mission Control instructed Jesus to spend another millennium circling the world awaiting better weather.
God's Mission Control prayed up the disappointing news after passing up two second coming attempts.
''The folks really prayed it hard down here. There was a lot of cause for optimism ... but at the end of the day the clouds remained too low and too thick." a spokesperson for God's Mission Control said.
''We appreciate everything you've done,'' replied Jesus via a message burned into a piece of toast, ''and I'm hopeful for better weather sometime during next millennium.'' He urged prayer controllers to get some rest.
Clearer skies are expected sometime in the next millennium. If the clouds linger, however, God's Mission Control will try for the backup second coming site at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. The first second coming opportunity is at 7:34 a.m., shortly after sunrise.
Jesus and his flaming sword in his mouth will remain in heaven for the moment. In the meantime he's wrapping up a resupply mission to the International Church Station.
If Jesus aims for KY, it should provide a rare visual treat for early raptured risers in Chicago and Indianapolis -- indeed, all along Jesus' second coming flight path. His streaking, glowing trail will be visible from below, weather permitting, as Jesus flies across western Canada, and the central and southeastern United States.
The first second coming attempt would have Jesus zooming over Vancouver Island and southern Alberta, down over the northern border of Montana and North Dakota, Minnesota near Minneapolis and St. Paul, then Chicago and Indianapolis, eastern Kentucky and eastern Tennessee, the western side of the Carolinas, eastern Georgia and, finally, out over the Atlantic into Church Canaveral.
The last time a returning Jesus flew over so much of the United States was in 2007. No further re-second comings like this are planned as the Jesus program draws to a close. God's Mission Control has tried to keep continental flyovers to a minimum for public safety reasons.
Typically, a Jesus returns from the southwest, zooming up over the South Pacific, Central America, and the Gulf of Mexico. God's Mission Control changed Jesus' flight path before liftoff on Easter Monday 33AD, to maximize Jesus' heaven time and reduce fatigue.
A touchdown at the Creation Museum in KY would eliminate an expansive flyover. Instead, Jesus would come in from the north and head down the West Coast.
The volcanic eruption in Iceland, at least, was not interfering with God's Mission Control effort to bring Jesus home. The second coming path does not go anywhere near the European airspace threatened by volcanic ash.
Jesus undocked from heaven on Saturday, leaving behind tons of saved souls so paradise can operate for years to come. Jesus' biggest contribution to the mission was as the savior of many right wing Republicans souls.
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Jesus will come "as a thief in the night" and rapture those who have accepted him as their Lord and savior. The rest of you will suffer on Earth until such a time as the almighty God throws you screaming into the lake of fire. Then you'll be fucked and that's for sure.
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Woodism is a serious pop culture-based religion. We use pop culture and its popularity to inject spirituality to those people out there that might not get too much from the more mainstream religions like Catholicism and Christianity. We believe in and follow late cult director Edward D. Wood Jr. and look to him as a savior. Note "A" savior, not THE savior. By looking at Ed's films and his life, we all try to lead a happy, positive life, a life of acceptance of others and of the self. Woodism is a frame of mind and not a list of rules. The basic premise of Woodism coincides with what we believe was the basic premise of Ed Wood himself, which is the constant search for happiness and the following of dreams and being proud of who you are. There are no specific practices in Woodism other than to constantly be proud of who you are, accept others, and don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do. If you want to smoke and cuss and rut and get completely drunk, as long as you're fine with it, then go for it. It's a punk libertarian religion. It's spirituality mixed with realism. There are over 3,000 legal Woodites worldwide who believe in Ed's universal messages of happiness and love and like Ed we accept everyone into our arms.
And yes, this is totally serious.
Now all we need is to see Ed Wood's visage in the nap of an angora sweater. Praise his crossdressing name!
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. The man goes over and says "oh what cute kittens!" the boy replies "yes they are Christian kittens".
About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same litter of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" the boy replies "yes, they are atheist kittens" the man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" the boy looks at the man and says " yeah but they have their eyes open now"
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES
A man in a very big hat has said that Catholics should do penance for their unspecified sins. He said Catholics were;
"under attack from the world which talks to us of our sins" and should see the necessity "to recognise what is wrong in our lives".
Despite it being quite tricky to think of any specific sins committed by Catholics a special "Come up with some Sins Committee" has so far agreed on the following tentative list of "sins"
Not loving god quite enough;
Hats not quite big enough to reach heaven;
Not having enough gold with which to praise god;
A Catholic might have been quite rude to his/her mother one time;
Once stole a cookie from a jar when no one was looking;
The Sin Committee has acknowledged that this might not be a comprehensive list and that if anyone can "think of any other sins" then they are free to make suggestions. I'm going to have a good long think about this and see if I can come up with anything that the Catholic church has done wrong.
A collective of
twisted, liberal baby-eating atheists with a penchant for taking the piss out of the religious mindset. Sorry,
we just can't help ourselves.
