CHURCH CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) -- Rain and overcast skies prevented Jesus Christ from returning to Earth on Monday, and God's Mission Control instructed Jesus to spend another millennium circling the world awaiting better weather.
God's Mission Control prayed up the disappointing news after passing up two second coming attempts.
''The folks really prayed it hard down here. There was a lot of cause for optimism ... but at the end of the day the clouds remained too low and too thick." a spokesperson for God's Mission Control said.
''We appreciate everything you've done,'' replied Jesus via a message burned into a piece of toast, ''and I'm hopeful for better weather sometime during next millennium.'' He urged prayer controllers to get some rest.
Clearer skies are expected sometime in the next millennium. If the clouds linger, however, God's Mission Control will try for the backup second coming site at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. The first second coming opportunity is at 7:34 a.m., shortly after sunrise.
Jesus and his flaming sword in his mouth will remain in heaven for the moment. In the meantime he's wrapping up a resupply mission to the International Church Station.
If Jesus aims for KY, it should provide a rare visual treat for early raptured risers in Chicago and Indianapolis -- indeed, all along Jesus' second coming flight path. His streaking, glowing trail will be visible from below, weather permitting, as Jesus flies across western Canada, and the central and southeastern United States.
The first second coming attempt would have Jesus zooming over Vancouver Island and southern Alberta, down over the northern border of Montana and North Dakota, Minnesota near Minneapolis and St. Paul, then Chicago and Indianapolis, eastern Kentucky and eastern Tennessee, the western side of the Carolinas, eastern Georgia and, finally, out over the Atlantic into Church Canaveral.
The last time a returning Jesus flew over so much of the United States was in 2007. No further re-second comings like this are planned as the Jesus program draws to a close. God's Mission Control has tried to keep continental flyovers to a minimum for public safety reasons.
Typically, a Jesus returns from the southwest, zooming up over the South Pacific, Central America, and the Gulf of Mexico. God's Mission Control changed Jesus' flight path before liftoff on Easter Monday 33AD, to maximize Jesus' heaven time and reduce fatigue.
A touchdown at the Creation Museum in KY would eliminate an expansive flyover. Instead, Jesus would come in from the north and head down the West Coast.
The volcanic eruption in Iceland, at least, was not interfering with God's Mission Control effort to bring Jesus home. The second coming path does not go anywhere near the European airspace threatened by volcanic ash.
Jesus undocked from heaven on Saturday, leaving behind tons of saved souls so paradise can operate for years to come. Jesus' biggest contribution to the mission was as the savior of many right wing Republicans souls.
3 comments:
This is the best yet Paul ... my favourite is the message from Jesus via a piece of toast. Good work.
You're going to make my cry Nuppers. Your opinion means the world to me.
Nuppenny's right (much as I hate to admit that) - this is brilliant.
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