Renowned anti homosexual campaigner God (aka Jehovah, Yahweh, YWHY, Elohim and Adonai – age indeterminate) was arrested Sunday with His penis in hand and allegedly masturbating in mysterious ways.
The alleged crime took place outside the Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception all boys school while the children were playing during lunchtime recess.
One of the children noticed a suspicious character described as “in his own image” with his face pressed to the bars of the school fencing. A protuberance, later identified as God’s penis, was also observed poking through the fencing.
God has been required to sign the Sex Offenders register. He had previous accusations of non-consensual sex, mass genocide and violent outbursts resulting in death or harm. All of which were dropped due to insufficient evidence of God’s actual existence.
“If you can’t prove I exist” said God through a spokespastor, “then you certainly cannot prove that I was the perpetrator of these crimes”.
He has thrice denied all charges.
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