Are you a fucking Jew, a Muslim terrorist, a pussy Hindu, or an asshole Jehovah's Witness, or even worse a goddamn atheist?
Do you worry that you won't get into heaven and sit beside Jesus and fawn at His feet?
Are you shitting bricks that the Rapture could happen any second BEFORE you have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Are you concerned that your life of sin will send you to an afterlife of eternal torment and pain?
If you're not a born again saved-by-the-grace-of-Jesus Christian, you MUST read on, this special limited time offer might just save your eternal soul....
Every single day 300,000 people die on this planet, the vast majority of these sinners are heading straight to the flames of Hell. Imagine your soul suffering the pain of eternal torment under the supervision of your loving creator God. Think of your skin being burnt from your body because you failed to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Jesus will come "as a thief in the night" and rapture those who have accepted him as their Lord and savior. The rest of you will suffer on Earth until such a time as the almighty God throws you screaming into the lake of fire. Then you'll be fucked and that's for sure.
But fear not, for the solution to your troubles is only the a click of the mouse away.
Imagine if you could save your immortal soul from the fire of Hell with only the click of a mouse and the input of your credit card number. What a relief it would be to be safe in the knowledge that you are saved, no matter what you believe.
Here at Yahweh's Eternal Solutions Infinite Trusting Souls Christian Rapture Apologetic Partners (YESITSCRAP) we have developed the perfect solution to save your soul, and you could even be a Catholic child rapist and still get your eternal heavenly reward - all for the minimal effort of a simple mouse click.
Yes, we DO have the solution. You can be SAVED within the next five minutes, and you need do nothing more than give us your credit card number, date of birth, mothers maiden name, favorite sports team, name of your dog, and your Social Security Number.
For a low, low, giveaway price we can GUARANTEE your soul will be raptured and taken to heaven to sit with our Lord Jesus Christ.
Yes you heard right, we will GUARANTEE your place in heaven.
Our patent pending RaptureHatTM offers you the chance of salvation, even if you have blasphemed the Holy Spirit or raped the dead body of our Lord Jesus Christ Himself.
Wear the RaptureHatTM and upon the Day of God's Judgment, God will see our specially implanted thoughts (the secret is in the hat) and believe you to be saved. He will welcome you into heaven and you'll be seated at His right with Jesus.
Even God Himself, praise His Holy name, cannot see through the unique power of the RaptureHatTM.
Get your RaptureHatTM today and ensure your eternal salvation.
For the giveaway low, low price of only $19.99 (plus shipping, handling and praying fees*) you can GUARANTEE your place in paradise.
But don't take our word for it, read these testimonials from already satisfied customers!!!
| Fred Fredson, OH - I'm a Catholic Priest child rapist and I have bought the RaptureHatTM for the low low giveaway price of only $19.99 (plus shipping, handling and praying fees). I can rape as many small boys as I like now, and I know I am guaranteed entry into heaven. | |
| Bob Bobson, CA - Fuck you the Holy Ghost, fuck yeah!!! I'm going to heaven!!! And it only cost me $19.99 (plus shipping, handling and praying fees) with a money back guarantee. Fuck yeah!!! | |
| Carol Carolson, PA - W00t I'm saved. I can do what the fuck I like. The RaptureHatTM has freed me from the tyranny of God and I am guaranteed a place in heaven. Thank you ITSCRAP for inventing this fucking miracle | |
| Lisa Lisason, AZ - I worship Satan and I know I'm saved, else I'll get my money back. All hail Satan!!!! |
God loves you, but he loves to burn you more. Order your RaptureHatTM today and save yourself.
But wait!!!
Order TODAY and receive a second RaptureHatTM for FREE (plus shipping, handling and praying fees). That's right, you get a second RaptureHatTM for FREE. We can't do this all day! You must ACT NOW.
This offer is 100% GUARANTEED. If you're not raptured**, we will refund your entire purchase, plus we'll give you double your money back. It's risk free, so why are you waiting?
* Shipping, handling and praying fees vary based on your current level of godlessness. These fees will be added once you have confirmed your order. Trust us, we're Christian, we won't rip you off.
** If you're not wearing the RaptureHatTM at the moment of the Rapture, you can fuck yourself if you think you're getting your money back.
** If you're not wearing the RaptureHatTM at the moment of the Rapture, you can fuck yourself if you think you're getting your money back.
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